A letter to myself one year ago

May 2, 2014:

I remember it like it was yesterday. I was at work when I got a call from my OB office, they left me a message and asked if I would call them back. I had just gotten my blood drawn for the quad screen a couple of days before, so I figured they were calling to let me know what the results were. When I was calling them back I remember feeling a little uneasy, and my heart was beating really fast. As soon as I got connected with the nurse, she told me that my results had come back abnormal, and that Roman was at a higher risk of having Down Syndrome. I honestly think I went into a little bit of a shock, I tried not to start crying while I was on the phone, but I couldn't stop the tears from coming. She told me not to worry yet, that a lot of times the quad screen has a high false positive rate, and that I was really young, and it might be nothing. She told me I could talk with my doctor and do more testing if I would like. I hung up with her and immediately called Vong at work. As soon as he answered the phone I started crying hysterically, he thought someone had died. I told him that my doctor had called and said there was a higher chance that Roman would have DS. He told me to try and calm down, that everything would be fine, he assured me that it is not the end of the world and not to stress so much because it's not good for the baby.

I got off the phone with him, and went back to my client, I was a hot mess, she was pregnant at the time as well.. So she understood the hormones haha. I ended up having to cancel the rest of my day because I couldn't focus on anything, I felt like it was all a bad dream. I remember coming home and immediately googling Down Syndrome. Bad idea. Don't ever use google while you are pregnant. All I saw were negative things... Heart defects, short life span, a small percentage dying before their 1st birthday etc etc. I was so scared. I literally cried for 3 hours straight, until I finally stopped myself. I then started reading more about the quad screen and how high of a false positive rate it had, and that gave me hope that everything would be fine with Roman.... 

What I wish I could've told myself that day, while I sat on this same couch crying my eyes out-

I would tell myself that yes, Roman does have Down Syndrome, and that it's not a negative thing.

I would tell myself that most of my fears would become a reality, that Roman would have those common heart problems... But that he would be strong, and the surgeons would fix him right up. 

I would tell myself that I am way stronger than I could have ever imagined.. 

And I would tell myself that Roman would be the best thing to ever happen to our lives. 

I would tell myself that even though I didn't think a special needs child is what I wanted, or what I ever would have chosen, that he is exactly what I needed, and that he would change my whole world in the best way possible. 

Sometimes I look back on that day and I feel guilty and selfish for being sad that Roman possibly had DS. I feel guilty for having negative thoughts, and feeling sorry for myself, but isn't that what life is about? Learning and growing from our trials. I know our journey with having a special needs child is just beginning, and I know we will have more hard times as the years go on... But my goodness I am so thankful that Roman chose us. I'm grateful for the small and big things that have reminded me that God is right here, helping us every step of the way. I'm thankful for the people I have connected with that I wouldn't have ever known if Roman didn't have DS. I'm also grateful that I can help be a voice, and help spread awareness about DS.. So maybe when another young mom gets the news and turns to the World Wide Web.. Her search won't bring up such negative things. But instead finds all the happy things about having a child with Down Syndrome. 

Thank you Roman for opening my eyes to something bigger than myself, thank you for teaching me what unconditional love is, and for letting me be your Mom.

I love you.